The title pretty much says it all. I do this all the time. On the years where I am actually going to cook (versus going to my inlaws) I psyche myself up for this great time. I make lists. I go to the grocery store 5 times in 2 weeks. I research recipes. I call my mother-in-law. I call my mom…and then immediately regret it as I remember she has never roasted a turkey in her life. I make more lists. And I am prepared.
This. This is going to be the year that I dazzle the world (my corner of it) with my Betty Crocker skillz. This is the year that outdo myself. That my husband will sit back from the table, look at me with wonder in his eyes, and say with a tinge of awe in his voice, “Babe, that was better than my mother’s cooking.”
If you need a visual, just imagine a Normal Rockwell painting.
There’s one flaw—one fatal flaw—in this entire thing: I’m not really a cook. Not even a pretend one. When I put a frozen pizza in the oven and remember to take it out 20 minutes later, I’m quite proud of myself. This one time, I almost severed my thumb off…opening a box of frozen chicken nuggets.
I’m kind of a threat to anyone—myself included—in the kitchen.
But I stoutly ignore this undeniable fact as I list myself away. List, list, list. Preparedness is the key to success. Preparedness will help me learn how to properly baste a chicken for hours. I am positive that the list I create even now will make sure that my sweet potato concoction will taste like ambrosia and not dirty socks.
And, if any other years are any indication, on Thanksgiving Day, I will wake up with a feeling of purpose. I will be invigorated, prepared, and fired up.
This will last for about seven-point-six seconds, or until the first thing goes wrong. Which will inevitably immediately follow me entering the kitchen.
Any one of the following are possible, and dare I say…probable:
1. I will be missing a dire ingredient. Like…turkey.
2. We will lose electricity for some reason.
3. I will burn/cut/singe or otherwise injure and/or maim myself.
4. I will burn something for which I have no replacement.
5. In my haste to replace whatever I burned with something completely illogical, I will ruin a pan or other cooking utensil.
6. In a glaze of panic, I will assume that something absolutely nonsensical like file folders will double as a broiling pan.
7. I will give up several times, biting back tears, until I talk myself back into trying again. It can’t get any worse. Right?
8. It will get worse. The smoke alarm will go off. Firefighters will chop down our front door in order to access and then douse our apartment kitchen with water.
9. Nothing in the kitchen will be edible.
10. And nothing will be open.
Panic-Stricken Day. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. And yet, without fail, the next time we don’t go somewhere for Thanksgiving, November 10th will roll around and I will dutifully put “yams, brown sugar, that cranberry crap” on half a dozen lists that get left around the apartment.
And my husband will move out with the baby.
Think of the children. I am. And that’s why we’re having pizza for Panic-Stricken Day. And we’re gonna like it. Because the alternative? Terrifying.
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KJ Reed is a descendant of Betty Crocker…total lie. She is also Rachel Ray’s step-cousin. Another lie. But she really is an author of sexy contemporary erotic romances with melt-in-your-mouth alpha males and heroines with enough sass to out-tart a cranberry sauce. Visit her at www.authorkjreed.com for more info.
KJ, LOL Thanks, I needed that this morning. My aunt is also a non-cook. Bless her heart she tries. One year on Easter she was cooking ham. Ya know, with pineapple rings and such. Right before she sticks the beast in the oven, my uncle yells out to stop. Of course, we all rush into the kitchen to see what’s going on. And sitting on top of the ham are rings of pineapples attached with corn cobbers! Yes. I said corn cobbers. The little yellow PLASTIC corn shapped sticks. I should also probably mention my aunt is an engineer.
Hey, if I lived close enough, I’d help ya. I love to cook and wished I were Rachel Ray’s love child. Sadly I never cook Thanksgiving and I’ve got mad skills in the kitchen. Happy Thanksgiving!
Aww, it can’t be that bad. But I don’t blame you, its pretty stressful even if you can cook well. Every year, without fail, I forget something plastic in the oven while preheating. I really need more cabinets for stuff like that.
You know, there’s a really good restaurant here that’s been advertising its open Thanksgiving. I’ve been half tempted to give it a try just once and skip the turkey … but I LOVES turkey leftovers. *sigh* decisions-decisions
I’m a pretty darn good cook (if I do say so myself), and I still have many, many Thanksgiving disasters under my belt. Like the time the oven died mid-turkey-roast and we had to finish it in the microwave. (We still refer to “the gelatinous mass.”) Or the time I flash-steamed two fingers trying to get the roasting pan out of the oven (ouch). Or the time the glass bowl I was spooning hot green beans into shattered into pieces.
Holiday meals are designed for failure. It’s inevitable, and cooking skills or lack of them don’t make much difference.
However, in your case, might I suggest the Golden Corral Thanksgiving buffet?
OMG! That is soooooo funny!
If you DON’T want to or can’t cook, ( and I really like the Golden Corral suggestion ) Publix will cook an entire dinner for you and have it ready to pick up and serve. “Boston Market” does a variety of family style meals with all the trimmings and they are also open on Thanksgiving.
Fortunatley, I haven’t really experienced holiday cooking disasters. I’m from an Italian family and as such, all of us were pretty much taught to cook at the same time we’re taught to walk and talk. (Seriously! No recipes either…you HAVE to watch and learn and everything is passed down from generation to generation.)
My grocery lists for the holidays are not much different that the rest of the year, since as a general rule our kitchens stay stocked to feed 6-30ppl on 30minutes notice. ( No, not kidding…disturbing, I know)
For holidays, I usually plan on feeding about 30 people, despite the fact that there are really only 6 people who are local and “immediate” family members.
The other 24 people? Well, our house has always been known for having plenty of really good food for the holidays and for having an open invitation to family and friends, so I never know who’s gonna drop by. We plan on eating between 2 and 4pm, so that’s when we sit down at the table.
Then we clean everything up and get it ready to put away… but we don’t. About that time is when the 2nd and 3rd waves arrive and that continues until well into the evening.
By the time it’s over, I might have enough left over for a turkey sandwich…if I’m lucky!
Happy Holidaze!
-Shannon